Can People Really Change? Understanding the Psychology of Repetition

Are You in That Place of Not Knowing What to Do?

Are you in that place where you’re wondering — can I trust this person? Will things really be different this time?

Maybe you’ve had the hard conversations. Maybe you’ve voiced your pain, your needs, and your boundaries. And maybe they’ve listened. They nodded. They said the right things. For a little while, things even felt better.

But somehow, the same pattern keeps creeping back in.

Now you’re stuck in a place between hope and exhaustion. Should you keep trying? Should you walk away? You’re not imagining it—they’re trying, in their own way. They care. They might even feel deeply committed. But something just isn’t translating into consistent change.

This kind of dynamic can show up anywhere — with a partner, a parent, a sibling, a close friend, even at work with a boss or colleague. And now, here you are, stuck in a loop, asking the hardest question of all: What now?

When Patterns Repeat, It's Not Just Them

Here’s something we rarely say out loud:

If you’ve been in this cycle for a long time, it’s likely not just them who’s stuck — you are, too.

You may be caught in a pattern of waiting for someone else to change so you can finally feel safe, settled, or seen. That’s not weakness — it’s conditioning. When agency is outsourced to the other, it can leave you feeling helpless. These response patterns are often unconscious, shaped by early relational experiences and wired into well-worn neural pathways, reinforced by hope, empathy, or fear [1][2].

And this pattern doesn’t just show up in relationships with others — it can show up in the relationship you have with yourself. Wanting to change a habit, promising yourself it’ll be different this time, only to fall back into old cycles. And then wondering why it’s so hard to do the things you know are good for you.

Sometimes, the most loving and self-honoring act isn’t trying harder — it’s turning inward and getting honest with yourself.

Questions to Help You Break the Pattern

Here are some questions that can help you begin exploring your options and breaking out of old patterns:

• Is continuing to stay in this pattern nurturing you or depleting you?

• Can you tolerate the regret of not choosing differently?

• Why are you stuck in this pattern? Is it because you don’t feel safe or resourced enough to explore other options?

• In order to make a decision, it is vital to turn towards yourself — is that a pattern you struggle with?

• What is your real capacity to keep showing up like this?

• If someone you loved were in this exact situation, what would you want for them?

  
  

So, what do you do in these moments? How do you navigate these emotional crossroads?

Read on to understand more about patterns, where they stem from, and the often-overlooked reality of real change.

The Truth About Change

We often hear advice like "don’t trust words, trust actions" — but even actions can be misleading when we don’t look deeper.

If we truly want to understand whether someone will behave differently, we need to stop trusting people in isolation and start paying attention to their patterns. Because patterns are not just habits or behaviors. Patterns are neural networks [3].

Patterns Live in the Brain

When someone repeats a behavior over and over, their brain wires that behavior into a kind of automatic default. These are not just choices they make. These are the paths their brain travels most easily — the strongest connections in their neural web [4][5].

This is why even the most well-intentioned person can slip back into old habits: because the path of least resistance is well-paved in their biology.

Changing a pattern means creating a new neural network. That requires doing something different, consistently, even when it feels unnatural. That takes:

• Conviction – a deep belief that change is necessary

• Emotional tolerance – the ability to sit with discomfort

• Discipline – to stick with new actions even when it’s hard

• Support and feedback – to stay on track

The Myth of the “21 Days” Rule

You’ve likely heard it takes 21 days to form a new habit. Unfortunately, that’s a myth. Research from University College London found that on average, it takes 66 days of consistent repetition for a behavior to become automatic. And depending on the complexity of the habit and the person, it can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days [6].

Consistency is what wires in the pattern — not perfection, not motivation, and certainly not magical timeframes.

This explains why change can feel slow or frustrating. It’s not that you’re failing — it’s that the repetition hasn’t been sustained long enough, or consistently enough, to become the default.

So… Can People Really Change?

Yes, but not in the simplistic way we sometimes expect. People can change when:

• They’re aware of what’s not working.

• They feel emotionally safe enough to imagine something different.

• Their reasons for change feel personally meaningful.

• They’re willing to repeat the new behavior long enough — often for months — until it becomes the new normal.

• They have support (internal and external) to keep going when motivation dips.

  
  

Change is hard not because people are lazy, but because the brain is wired for efficiency [7]. It defaults to what’s known, what’s been repeated, and what feels emotionally rewarding — even if that’s dysfunctional.

Healing, then, is not about pushing harder. It’s about creating conditions where safety, choice, and repetition allow new neural and emotional pathways to form.

So the next time you’re wondering whether to trust someone’s apology or promise, ask yourself:

• Is there a new pattern emerging?

• Or just a new story?

  
  

Because real change lives in repetition — in rewiring — in the quiet, consistent, sometimes exhausting effort to become someone different.

📚 References:

[1] Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.[2] van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.

[3] Hebb, D. O. (1949). The Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological Theory.

[4] Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science.

[5] Kandel, E. R. (2006). In Search of Memory: The Emergence of a New Science of Mind.

[6] Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C. H., Potts, H. W., & Wardle, J. (2009). How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998–1009.

[7] Duhigg, C. (2012). The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business.

About the Author

Anitha D. is a Counselling Psychologist and the Founder of The Mind Body Foundation – Counselling Center. She supports individuals in their healing journeys by working at the intersection of mind and body. Anitha specializes in helping people recognize unhelpful patterns, build inner resources, and rewire behaviour through a trauma-informed, neurobiological approach to change.